“Sorry Not Sorry” isn’t just a pop song; it's a milestone signifying that the apology is dead.
Apologies have been an integral part of human interactions since ancient times. In ancient Mesopotamia, around 1750 BCE, the "Code of Hammurabi" included provisions for apologies and restitution for damages caused by one's actions.
Religion and philosophy have also emphasized the importance of remorse and atonement. In Judaism, for example, seeking forgiveness, known as "teshuvah," is an essential part of Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. In ancient Greece, philosophers like Socrates and Plato explored the concept of apologia, which involved presenting a defense or justification for one's actions.
With the rise of Humanism during The Renaissance, apologies became more personal and reflective, reflecting an individual's acknowledgment of their actions and desire to seek forgiveness.
The works of William Shakespeare, a quintessential figure of the Renaissance, showcased a variety of apologies in his plays. Shakespearean characters often engaged in apologies filled with eloquence and emotion, reflecting the human experience of seeking forgiveness and reconciliation.
So if the Renaissance was “peak apology,” then the decline of the meaningful apology may have its roots in the proliferation of apologies that followed.
In the modern era, many people, particularly women, have an involuntary reflex to apologize. During a recent discussion about apologies, I said, "Women feel like they need to apologize, and men just need to apologize." This was well-received, which in hindsight, I knew it would be.
But what are we apologizing for? Are we attempting to right some wrong? Are we apologizing for our shortcomings and inability to meet our expectations? Or are we apologizing for the inherent flaws of being human, a species destined to stumble and fail?
We apologize for being late, not responding to messages promptly, forgetting important dates, and not living up to the standards we set for ourselves and those imposed upon us by others. The burden of apology weighs on our shoulders, yet we continue to add to its load daily.
As we integrate more cultures into our society, new entrants to a community quickly join in on apology compulsion, apologizing for languages and differences in customs. We do this instinctively as tourists. I have walked across most of South America apologizing for my 5 words of anglicized Spanish.
Neurodiverse individuals are also compelled to over-apologize due to societal norms and expectations favoring neurotypical behavior. In a world where certain behaviors are considered "normal," those with neurodivergent traits may feel like they are constantly deviating from the expected norm. This constant perceived deviation can lead to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and the need to apologize for not fitting into the neurotypical mold. The pressure to conform to social standards can compel neurodiverse individuals to apologize for their natural inclinations, even though their unique perspectives and differences can offer valuable insights and contributions to society.
Sometimes, all this apologizing leads to the "unapology" - the unapologetic embrace of one's flaws and moving them to the forefront of one's public persona.
Kurt Cobain of the grunge rock band Nirvana may have been onto something with the lyrics to “All Apologies,” where he appears not to be apologizing but begging for acceptance of who he was (RIP).
While I am all-in on living comfortably in your own skin, my experience is that this approach most often degrades into a "hall pass" for bad behavior and leads people to condemn the norms of others aggressively. Mr. Cobain famously did so with a tragic result.
Thirty years later, those feelings about acceptance that Mr. Cobain focused inward are now about “living out loud,” like Demi Lovato signs about in “Sorry Not Sorry.” Ms. Lovato appears to be fighting the same daemons that plagued Mr. Cobain - let’s hope she fares better than he did.
The unapology also turns toxic when it becomes the "don't dwell on the past" unapology. This comes from the person who exhibits terrible behavior, to which you react as your less than admirable self, and somehow, that megalomaniac sees that as square. You are not even if your neighbor burns down your house because you called her an a-hole. Likewise, the deadbeat dads, emotional terrorists, and the small adults stuck in arrested development have not earned the right to advance to the future. An apology should be an act of reconciliation. People who don’t want to confront past wrongs refuse to own the consequences of their actions.
But as apologizing and unapologizing have risen to a fever pitch, the entire concept of an apology is left with little value.
When apologies held more weight when they were not just verbal currency used to smoothen the rough edges of social interactions. A good apology reflected genuine remorse, the understanding that our actions had consequences and that we needed to take responsibility for them. Just as "How are you?" has become a greeting and not a question, "I'm sorry" has become a placeholder for a slight pause in shite behavior and a self-authorization to carry on in shite ways. As the digital age swallows us whole, verbal apologies will cease together, and we'll tap our screens, which sends an apology to the fella whose parking space we just stole.
The implied promise that we won't do it again is missing from today's apologies. If you are late, you will likely be late again. Yet we apologize anyway as a courtesy. We don't mean we're sorry; we mean we're human.
All apologies have a common thread - they stem from the human need for connection, validation, and the preservation of relationships. Apologizing becomes a desperate attempt to bridge the divide between us and others to ensure that the threads holding our lives together do not unravel. In a world where our sense of belonging hinges on acceptance and understanding, apologies act as lubricants for social gears, greasing the interactions that keep us bound to one another.
With all apologies, there should come an inherent desire to do better, to be better. The act of apologizing is not an endpoint but a starting point, a catalyst for change and understanding.
If you do not want your apologies to become hollow utterances tossed casually into the ether, you must mean them.
The egregious sins that we commit require some context - some explanation as to why we were so crazy to behave that way in the first place. The closer a person is to you, the more you, the more weight that context will be given. For those in your circle, the context means everything. Your intent is essential. The further away you move from the center of your circle, the less critical your intent is. When some transient person in your life wants to try to explain away some terrible thing they are doing to you, you are free to point at the sky metaphorically and say, "Scoreboard." Results matter. We are adults, and this isn't little league.
Fortunately, for most of our transgressions, it's simple. Say, "I'm sorry". Then shut up. Remember, it's not about you. It's an apology, not your therapy session. Make your amends, but don't ask if you can do so. Promise not to do it again but acknowledge that you probably will.
FRIDAY
I tried to post this in a previous article but failed. Writer Jonny Auping tracks down people he’s wronged in the past to say he’s sorry.
https://longreads.com/2018/04/23/the-apology-tour/
SATURDAY
President Bill Clinton made a brilliant apology speech for the Monica affair, but only after his fumbled attempted non-apology on television set his impeachment in motion.
http://www.historyplace.com/speeches/clinton-sin.htm
SUNDAY FICTION
A 105-year-old woman receives a letter. Ten days later, she has been thrust into the afterlife, fighting to head off a curse that would otherwise devastate future generations.