This Is A Door
Now Get Out of the Way
This is a door.
Long ago, I contemplated writing a children’s book which would have been titled, “This Is A Door”. The thought didn’t last long, because:
A. I am inherently lazy; B. I left for the bar; C. Children’s books are incredibly difficult to write while seeming deceptively simple.
The last bit is evidenced by the volume of drivel and dunnage on offer from the likes of the erstwhile Princess Megan or Jimmy Kimmel. When a writer manages to really nail a children’s book, it becomes a perennial favorite, like this or this one or this other one.
The fourth reason I never actually wrote this book was that this was as far as I got.
Hold it open for the person behind you.
Don’t stand in its way.
Don’t sit in its way.
Don’t leave stuff in its way either.
Get the F out of the way.
If you can, show others how to go through it.
Leave the door the way you found it unless the door belongs to you.
The end.
At the time I was highly irritated by the number of children that had apparently been reared to remain as fixed objects in doorways that I wished to pass through. Years later, I find that either my ire was misdirected or those same children have now grown to populate the doorways in our path.
The Trader Joe’s near my home is filled with a peculiar brand of customers who could have benefitted from my unwritten book. These ingrates regularly see fit to hold court in the entrance of the TJ’s upon spotting a member of the athleisure-wearing clan only to end their papal visit to our sweet grocery store by abandoning their carts at the exit. I saw a meme recently that no successful person leaves a shopping cart in a parking stall. While my fellow shoppers appear to be succeeding economically, they are, most certainly failing at life.
This long tale of long-tail irritation has me thinking about doors and doorways and the general nature of the things required to navigate daily in a civilized society. Doorways appeared first in nature and I am certain that some group of Neanderthals blocked the entrance to their cave as the hunting party attempted to retreat to safety. Egyptians fashioned great blocks to act as doors to the tombs found inside the pyramids and later the Greeks and then the Romans would build wooden doors and sliding doors, which are pretty much the same ones we have today. The point, at this point in my diatribe, is that the property usage and etiquette concerning doors should be emblazoned upon the human DNA by now.
Yet, we struggle.
Holding doors open for others was once a necessary function of social discourse. Because this, like so many notions of etiquette, once centered around a patriarchal society, the holding of doors has fallen out of fashion along with neckties, manners of all sorts, and gender-based pronouns. Intellectually, I suppose the idea had some modicum of credit 100 years ago - that if a man must hold a door open, then women are waiting to be granted permission of ingress and egress - but in reality, particularly in our modern world, it’s just preposterous.
Men, as a gender, have been and remain guilty of many things, including blocking access to jobs, men’s clubs, and yes exits, in order to affect all sorts of nasty outcomes. I remember watching a man once position himself at the only exit to a facility in order to attempt to force an interaction with someone who had no choice but to leave where the Neanderthal was standing. His plan was thwarted by his own lack of patience and when he could wait no longer, he charged into the facility to say his peace. (For all of his toxicity, he slunk away with a simple no given forcefully by his target).
There are other reasons, of course, why humanity has seemingly rejected this simple act. Many people float through their days wearing what I can only describe as q-tips jammed into their ears. Some people, those with auditory processing issues, for example, need to block out the noise of daily life. Most, I suspect are just listening to Tiesto, waiting on a flat white and getting on with it. They wait, silently and alone, ignoring the beautiful ballet unfolding around them. Staring at a tiny screen, they remain oblivious to the tension of the coffee date next to them or the nervous frustration of woman juggling a coffee tray she's bringing to her first day at a new job as the door slams in her face.
People are busy. Life moves pretty fast, Ferris. We may piss someone off attempting to hold a door or create an uncomfortable interaction when we’re too busy to take the time to talk. So the answer then is to quit holding doors open altogether? Are we to float through our lives detached from that largest slice of humanity known as strangers? If we do not look over our shoulders to see if someone is on the same journey we are, are we really conscious?
Energy is released when you hold the door open for the person behind you. Holding a door for someone is a little beat in your day. It’s the little bow you might take before you step onto the mat in a dojo, the little prayer you might utter when you see a car accident on your way home.
This little act is like office namaste - the human in me has no time to bow to the human in you, but maybe I can help your day start just a little bit easier. If we string together enough small acts of consideration, we may begin to regain our humanity.
While you're holding that door open, be mindful of its metaphor. What other doors can you hold open? How can you help others find their way through that door you have already opened?
So, maybe I’ve written a children’s book here after all. Tonight, if you have access to some child you can borrow without catching a felony, try this:
This is a door.
Hold it open for the person behind you.
Don’t stand in its way.
Don’t sit in its way.
Don’t leave stuff in its way either.
Get the F out of the way.
If you can, show others how to go through it.
Leave the door the way you found it unless the door belongs to you.
The end.
“Make Your Bed: Small Things That Can Change Your Life … and Maybe the World”
I have an affection for little books that you give to graduates and the newly promoted. They aren’t really books at all, usually just speeches printed in book form. Easily digestible and used primarily as a holder for the gift card or C note you slip the recipient to personalize the graft. This is Admiral McRaven’s commencement speech at UT on the life lessons he gleaned as a Seal.
READ MORE
“On Being a Good Dinner Guest”
You should read CS Lewis, but you will not. Fortunately, this great Substack writer has read Lewis for you and offers up his thoughts on chivalry and being a good dinner guest. The outline works for dinner parties or BBQs.
"All the dudes who worked there were total babes"
Growing up in the late 80s in Southern California meant that Medieval Times left an indelible imprint on my memory. The themed restaurant served a four-course meal without utensils, so the etiquette while you watched a show. This short piece is good for a laugh and remembers why we need table manners.
“Learning manners isn’t just about being kind at a table. It’s also being kind to other people.”
The sweet, sweet, free local read, Malibu Times interviewed 2nd grader Bodhi about an etiquette class sponsored by the Boys and Girls Club and obtained that gem above. Bodhi gets it. As most Bodhi’s do.